I'm stressed out with everything, homework, family, friends, school, jerks, life. I just ugh.
Usually when I feel like this I read tons of yaoi, go to tumblr, and/or read a book.
But when I tried to read yaoi, I just felt worse afterwords...
Tumblr is full of depressing shit today...
and the book I'm reading is getting rather boring...
I feel like going to a corner and staying there forever...
But I don't have a free corner, all of them have been taken.
I've also contracted the depressing sickness called senioritis. so that's not helping out with ANYTHING!
And then I come home and my parents expect me to get a job! I'M LOOKING FOR ONE! I've put in applications to EVERYWHERE!!!!!!! even places that I know won't hire me! I'm that desperate! And then my mother turns around and is telling me do EVERY SINGLE FUCKING CHORE IN THE HOUSE! Like I have no time for this! At least do some of it! She never did this to my brothers! My only free time is between classes at school! *And office work but even that's being taken up most of the time by homework.*
And then there's the fact that I'm currently struggling to even get a hold of my emotions and sexuality! I thought it had things figured out! I seriously thought I did! But now I'm questioning so many things and I'm starting to be truthful to myself about myself and shit and it's just. I can barely take it! And then the stresses about everything! Don't even get me started!
I'm trying to find so many scholarships and all that junk so I can actually go to college like I planned, but it's not looking too pretty right now. I might have to take out some loans and I don't want to do that because I don't want to go into debt! Which I know will happen when I take out loans, which basically is what a loan is for! Putting someone into debt!
And I'm starting to grow worried about so many things now too. Let me list them:
- My family loosing our house.
- The chances that I just might have to drop out of high school to be able to help pay bills.
- Loosing our affordable EVERYTHING.
- Not being able to go to the doctor because it's too expensive.
- Losing my parents.
- Not being able to get the job I want all those years spent on college wasted.
- Having to move to Arizona so I can be near family or live with family until I can take care of myself.
- Loosing my best friend to so many things. *like I already feel like I'm loosing her.*
- Ending up in the same situation with everything that my family is currently in when I grow up.
- Developing cancer.
Now let me explain. My family is slowly, no, QUICKLY getting to the point where we might have to sell off our property and move somewhere else because we are quickly getting to the point of not being able to pay all our bills. The chances of me becoming a drop out is getting higher and higher ever single day. Due to Obamacare, our healthcare rates will go up, and we might not be able to pay it. The doctors is already pretty expensive and I have to go a lot due to health issues, but that'll soon have to stop if I don't get a job soon. My parents are up in years and very close to retirement age. They're also starting to show signs of typical aging, hearing loss, memory loss,etc. I'm afraid to let them drive by themselves now. I want to be a cryptozoologist, but I'm afraid that because of the job market, I might have to just get a teaching license and work with little brats for the rest of my life. I might have to move in with family because my parents are gone and I won't be able to afford to live on the property anymore. I just don't want to talk about my fear of loosing my best friend, it's too scary. I'm afraid that I'll have to subject my children *more then likely adopted* to what I went through as I grew up when they're growing up. And the whole cancer thing might seem far fetched, but it's not. I'm at risk of developing almost every cancer out there, and my body's already showed signs of the possibility of it happening.
I know this is long but i just can't write it somewhere in a notebook where my parents might find it or someone I don't even know. *like I leave it at school somewhere and someone reads this, ya know?* At least here I can easily ignore harmful comments and such, and still have people I trust read it if they want.
But in summary, I'm scared guys, of everything.